Dear Youngblood,

          My girlfriend is a wreck. She is so insecure that she cannot let me go to the bathroom by myself. If I am in there more than five minutes she pages me on my beeper.

          Sometimes I like to sleep in my own apartment. She freaks out if I go home to sleep. She cries, wails, and climbs in my bedroom window. I soothe and comfort her, reassure her of my continued devotion, and take her back home. In five minutes she's climbing through my window again for another round of emotional hysterics.

          The other day she told me I should start dating other women. I said, "Okay." I made a date with a young lady I met in the bookstore. We went out to dinner. By the time we got our salads, my pager was going off with urgent calls from my girlfriend, which I ignored.

          Apparently she changed her mind about me dating other women, Youngblood, because when I got home she had returned all my CDs and the bread maker I gave her for Christmas, and left a note saying I could find her key to my apartment under the doormat.

          I really like her, Youngblood. She gives great head. What should I do?

"Stumped" in Cincinnati

Dear Stumped,

          You have obviously not suffered enough.

          You need to spool this woman up so she can *really* make your life miserable.

          First, return that key to her and make sure she takes it if you have to stuff it down her throat. You want her to be able to drop in on you unannounced at any time of the day or night. She needs to be able to go through your personal effects when you're not home.

          Be sure to give in to her every whim and desire. Don't stop to ask yourself if it is logical, legal, or advisable. Just do it. Be her puppet. Let her pull your strings and determine your every move. Immerse yourself in her insecurities. Let her manipulate your every action, thought, and deed.

          Live only for her. See if she will let you start paying her bills. Her rent and such. Maybe she will even let you buy her a new car. I'm sure the ashtray is full in the old one by now, anyway. Give her your credit cards.

          Always answer your pager when she dials it. Encourage her to call you during business hours. Give her the name and phone number of your boss, too, so she can check with him if you go MIA.

          Introduce her to all your friends so she can alienate them one at a time. Once she has effectively purged your life of all other relationships, you will be able to concentrate on what's important. Her.

          The next time she melts into a whimpering, simpering, oozing mound of putrified emotional defecation at your feet, get down there and roll around in it like a dog on freshly-ground roadkill.

          When the bullshit finally gets up to your irises, take a deep breath and call me in the morning.

Youngblood