I've got Patsy Cline on the stereo. A big gallon jug of Yago Sant'gria in the fridge. Well, *almost* a gallon ... (hic). Got a note in my Eudora Inbox that says, "I love you, Youngblood Bookout Brasket, and think you're pretty cool." Got sloppy hugs and kisses from my soul sister, who is trying to fend off a cold. Sure am glad she sent 'em electronically.

Got a message on my voicemail from Lightnin, which came in at 12:01 perzackly. Wanted me to know he's thinking of me. Got two cats at my feet, one stuffing himself with grub, as usual, and the other freaking out in the Christmas wrappings.

Yes, Sandy Claws has been here.

Even though I specifically asked not to be remembered on Christmas, Sandy dropped by anyway and laid presents on me. Sandy, yew shouldn't have. But I'm so glad you did.

Lessee ... so far I've unwrapped two of Sandy's gifts. A large bottle of "Gio" perfumed body lotion. Yummy stuff. And a coffee cup from J.S. Crouch Bookseller of Hermitage, Tennessee. It's way cool. Has a poem by John Wilson, circa 1887, on one side, and a picture of a cat sleeping on a stack of books on the other. Looks just like home. Have you ever noticed how cats love to sleep on the book you're reading? Or the letter you're writing?

The rest I wanted to share with you guys.

Okay, let's get on with this! I think we're gonna save that big box for last. That one is really driving me. I am so curious about it. But first let's tear into this small, light one. Says it's from Shadow, a cat I know in Tennessee.

Alright! Just what I need! A handmade cross-stitch sampler to hang on the wall that reads, NO WHINING PLEASE. "Stitched by Star with Love and a Smile," the card says. Agent Star, you sweetie! Sandy Claws has definitely been through Nashville.

A beautiful Christmas basket, this one. Inside there's a night shirt that says "I Am Perfectly Calm." Below the words is the image of a cat who looks like he stuck his paw in a light socket. His eyes are bugging out, every claw is extended, every hair on his body appears to have about 10,000 volts of electricity running through it. Yep, that's me, alright, some days at Mission Control. Hey, here's a coffee cup to match! And a bag of the sweetest smelling potpourri from the Texas General Store. Hmmmm, I love this stuff. Citrusy and spicy. Orange, cinnamon, lemon, cloves.

This must be a book. It's square, heavy, just about the size of a book. R-r-r-iip! Aw, man, my troops have been thinkin' of me again. They are so selfless. _Dogbert's_Top_Secret_Management_Handbook_!

Now this one is interesting. A small rectangular box, kinda heavy, wrapped in merry paper with two red taper candles taped to the outside. Hmmm. And a card in an envelope and everthang, very formally addressed to Youngblood at Rock & Roll Heaven. There's something in the envelope in addition to the card ... it's got a big lump at one end.

Ohmigosh, how cool! The lump inside the envelope is a little ceramic Christmas angel holding a heart that says, "Love" in the center of it. She's a tree ornament. On her back are the words, "To Youngblood from the love child. Paula 1996." Lawzie, she is that, alright. The very personification of love. Paula was my daughter in a former lifetime. She never lets me forget it.

The card is one of those cut-out stand-up kind. When you fold it out, you have a Christmas fireplace, stockings hanging from the mantle, and a cat snoozing on the hearth. Let's set this up on top of Apollo the Wonder Mac's monitor so we can bask in the warmth of the fire. Mmmmm, nice. Move over, pussycat.

Okay, detach the candles from the box. Rip off the paper. Wow! Two crystal candle holders! Far Out. 'Scuze me while I get these candles burning. We probably need a little incense to go with them, too. There.

Here's a round one. Looks like it might be food. This is like *the* most unexpected Christmas present in the history of man. It's from one of Muthah's rocket scientists, a management type who is not even under my command. There's a kittycat on the wrapping paper.

R-r-r-iiiiip!

Oh, lawzie, a whole canister of Italian Chocolate Truffles! Dale, tell Faye we've hit the motherlode.

Now what's in this colorful package from "Kitty"? This Christmas has a definite cat theme to it. R-r-r-iiip! G a s p. An antique crystal candle holder in the shape of a star. The star has a face. He's smiling to beat the band. Where *does* she find this wonderful stuff?

Oh my gosh.

Wow.

Beautiful cranberry velvet bow on this one. The package is so pretty I almost hate to unwrap it. Almost. R-r-r-iiip! Hey, cool. It's some kind of really hip Sandy Claws. He's dressed like a mountain man, clutching his list of names tightly to his chest, leather bag full of books, food, and candy canes slung over his shoulder. Far out.

Now for the big one.

What in the world can this be? R-r-r-riiip! R-r-r-riiip! Hmmm. Gotta get the scissors for this part. Snip, snip, snip. Dang, it's hard to cut through all this bubble wrap and packing tape. Snip. R-r-r-iip! Snip, snip. Finally.

Welllll ...

Whaddayathink?

Vase? Fruit bowl? That's a very interesting iron frame, donchathink? Painted kinda a copper color. Got grapes and stuff on the side right there, see? That's what made me think maybe it's a fruit bowl. Then we have this deep crystal vase/dish-thingie that sits down inside the frame, like so. That's supposed to hold something. I know that much.

Hey, you know what?!? It's the perfect size and shape for a champagne bucket. You know, one a them thangs you fill with ice and stick the bottle in? The crystal bowl in the center is just deep and wide enough for a bottle of champagne.

Hmmmm.

Needless to say, the purpose of this gift will manifest itself in time. Right now it makes a perfect potpourri dish.

So ...that's it! Cool, huh? And the day has only just begun. Heh heh.

Sandy Claws, you are far too good to me. Want a truffle?